Inexpressible JOY!

So, we're home at last!!  Briley Kate joined us at home on monday afternoon.  She's so tiny in her carseat that I nearly had a nervous breakdown trying to make sure she was still breathing on the ride home.  Silly Leanne...of course she's breathing, they wouldn't discharge her unless they were completely sure she was ready to come home! (I repeat this to myself at least 5 times a day).  We didn't sleep much at the hospital sunday night...between the "weird" noises she kept making and the slamming doors from other areas around the unit, we probably got an hour each.  I finally had to ask the nurse about the strange grunting noises she makes pretty much all night long.  The nurses told me that they call it the "grunt-n-grow".  Its a preemie thing...but she does it ALL the time.  With that said, I would rather listen to her grunt all day every day than not have her here.   She's really a very good baby, doesn't cry much at all.  We feed her, sneak in a little snuggle time and then she's back to the bassinet to grunt a little longer.  We had a apt this morning at the outpatient clinic, just to make sure she was still gaining weight and get any questions we had answered.  She weighed 4 pounds 8 ounces at discharge, and now we're up to 4 pounds 11 ounces.  This is awesome considering some preemies lose weight the first few days at home.  

Brian and I tease that I'm the "wash your hands, don't sneeze on my baby, don't come near me if your sick, over-protective baby nazi".  While we tease, all these things are true.  However, the nurse told me today that I had every right to be that way and in fact she expected it.  We are the advocates for our child, and I couldn't bear if something happened to her that I could have tried to prevent.  With that said...I apologize in advance to anyone that might cross my path when I'm on this tirade, but think how much you love her and I'm sure you'll understand why I'm like this.  

It's an inexpressible JOY i have now that she's home.  Joy mixed with nerves and sleeplessness, but Joy nonetheless.  However, sorrow hides deep within.  The "why's?" start to resurface and my soul aches with questions about why I can't bring both of my babies home.  Please pray and thank God for the miracles he has performed for us.  Pray for worries eased, and for a stillness that allows my soul to find God in the midst of an inexpressible pain.  Thanks to all who have supported and prayed for us!!  I will post pictures of our little Love at home soon!